those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
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Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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