I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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