his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
