i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
