Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
