I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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