I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I party with great urgency now.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
