I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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