yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
