All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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