i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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