Life is so much better after having sex.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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