The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
