Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
