My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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