I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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