Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I think I won the penis lottery.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
