Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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