A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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