My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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