It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
