you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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