Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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