but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
