I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
