I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
