you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
