just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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