you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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