you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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