Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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