wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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