this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
