Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
