Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
