u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
