Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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