I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
