i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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