wakey wakey hands off snakey
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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