If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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