A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
