i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
