Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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