is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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