You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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