I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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