I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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