My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
