My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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