A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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