apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
