You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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