i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
