I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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